Once again, Denver Public Schools educrats are trying to spin dismal academic performance into something that sounds like progress — sugarcoating bleak outcomes that risk setting students up for a lifetime of struggle.

Last week, Colorado’s largest school district dispatched a press release proudly waving their Annual District Report like a participation trophy.

“This report focuses on and celebrates student achievement and provides a high-level look at our response to disrupt, dismantle and redesign ineffective systems and strategies to allow for continued student growth and success,” it announced.

How much bureaucratic gobbledygook can you cram into one sentence?

Let’s be real: If DPS were truly “disrupting, dismantling, and redesigning ineffective systems”—whatever that means — they could at least try making it seem like it’s working. You can’t promote “continued student growth and success” without actual student growth and success in the first place. Can they honestly say that’s happening?

Let’s dive into the data:

CMAS: 59.3% of students grades 3-8 are not meeting English expectations, with 68.8% behind in math.

Third-grade reading — a key indicator for young children — has barely budged from pre-pandemic levels and even dipped from last year.

P/SAT: 48.7% of DPS high schoolers are not proficient in English, and 69.3% fall short in math.

“We are committed to achieving the goals and progress measures outlined in the report to ensure that we are getting better at getting better,” Superintendent Alex Marrero declared.

“Getting better at getting better?” Try saying that at your next performance review. In real life, you don’t get extra credit just for showing up.

“Thank you for your continued support and collaboration as we accelerate the trajectory of our most marginalized communities,” Marrero added.

Really, Alex? What trajectory? The report itself shows only 25% of Black and 24% of Hispanic students in grades 3-8 are proficient in English — with Black students down 2 points from last year. In math, just 17% of Black and 15% of Hispanic students are meeting expectations — identical to last year.

The scores aren’t much better in high school. On the P/SAT, only 42% of Black students and 37% of Hispanics are proficient in reading and writing. That’s a modest 3-point gain for Black students and 1% for Hispanics. Meanwhile, just 21% and 17%, respectively, are proficient in math — unchanged, with Hispanics even down a point.

Let’s be serious: That’s not “accelerating the trajectory of our most marginalized communities.” It’s more like jump-starting a car with a dead battery.

Even DPS’ so-called celebratory graduation rates aren’t much to write home about. The report pats DPS on the back for boosting graduation rates — something the press release partially credited to the district’s August 2022 Strategic Roadmap.

“The four-year graduation rate for the class of 2023 increased by 2.5 percentage points to 79% from the previous year,” the report states. “This graduation rate is an all-time high for DPS and the second consecutive year we have reached our best.”

Are they in a bubble of disbelief, or just putting lipstick on a pig? Are we supposed to be happy because more kids are graduating despite not being able to read or do math?

If students aren’t meeting expectations but are still being sent out the door with diplomas, that’s not success — it’s setting them up to fail in college or the real world.

These struggling students are more likely to need remedial classes, compounding already staggering student debt loads. As AEI adjunct fellow Michael Brickman points out, the prevalence of remedial courses reveals many students “might not be ready for college-level work, making college completion less likely due to the additional money and time that it requires.”

In short, these graduates will rack up debt for classes just to catch up, then may end up dropping out with no degree and no job prospects — just plenty of bills and student loans.

Graduating students without necessary skills is like giving them an empty toolbox and wishing them luck fixing the car. What’s good is a diploma if you lack the knowledge and skills to read, write and do math in college or a real job?

Here’s the thing: Crafting rosy reports and positively deceptive press releases is just another day in DPS.

Last month, the district’s attorney, Aaron Thompson, gave himself one of those coveted participation trophies for responding to an increase in freedom of information requests.

“Handled 527 Colorado Open Records Act (CORA) requests this year, marking a 5% increase from the previous year,” Thompson cheered. “This demonstrates our unwavering commitment to transparency and accountability. Our ability to manage this increased volume of requests effectively reflects the diligence and responsiveness of our team in providing timely and accurate information to the public.”

Congratulations, Aaron. DPS actually followed the law — after so many screw-ups that media outlets and organizations flooded the district with requests to dig into your dirty laundry.

Why brag about simply following the law as if expecting gold stars for stopping at red lights? Especially when DPS’s responses to CORA requests are often delayed, redacted or marked “privileged.” Next up: A celebration of their extraordinary Sharpie skills.

DPS may be in the business of teaching Colorado kids, but it’s painfully clear they haven’t learned the most important lesson: “getting better at getting better” requires a lot more than just words.

Jimmy Sengenberger is an investigative journalist, public speaker, and longtime local talk-radio host. Reach Jimmy online at Jimmysengenberger.com or on X (formerly Twitter) @SengCenter.